DrRelationships.com

Everyone knows what it feels like – even if it’s happened a dozen times before. ‘Cupid has shot their arrow’ – you’ve fallen in love.

You can feel it – that’s how you know it’s happened. Your heart is going thump-thump – sweaty palms – racing pulse – and all the rest of the ‘symptoms’.

For most people, the physical sensations/feelings of being in ‘love’ are pleasant ones. For others the sensations may bring fearful feelings.

But real feelings/sensations they are.

Since time immemorial there have been arguments as to whether or not there really was a physical condition of ‘being in love’. It was the naysayers against the poets.

In the past decade, neurochemists (the scientists that study brains) have been doing remarkable research on what has become known as the ‘brain chemicals of romance’ – actual flows of trace (small) chemicals that are associated with time periods when we describe being in - what we refer to in our culture - as ‘love’.

The good news for ‘romance’ seekers – the poets won.

There are physical conditions that take place prompted by the different chemicals that flow involuntarily when we are ‘in love’. Meaning we don’t have conscience control of the flows – our brains have control.

In general, different brain chemicals flow during the two different phases of a ‘loving relationship’:

(a) First phase - ‘Attraction-Lust’
(b) Second phase - ‘Bonding’

The not so good news for romance seekers and the ‘happily ever after’ folks is - the flows of the chemicals only last for relatively short periods of time.

In the first phase – the brain chemicals flow for about 3 to 36 months - in the second phase, about 24 to 48 months. However, the flows can restart for a different individual (and often do).

Means the next time you meet a friend who tells you that they and their partner just ‘fell out of love’ – you can tell them, “Actually, you just ran out of brain chemicals for them.”

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Do you know anyone who is divorced/separated? Perhaps you have been - or you are headed there soon yourself.

Know anyone who is married – but not very ‘happily’? Know folks who are married and who are doing the ‘little-on-the-side’ deal – the affair – the ‘one-nighters’.

The answer is: unless you live in a cave by yourself isolated from the outside world – you know lots of folks that fit the above – friends – maybe your parents – kids – coworkers – relatives – perhaps you.

So what’s going on here? And incidentally today, ‘here’ is virtually everywhere on the planet.

Many think that two embedded assumptions in our cultures are causing the turmoil in families and children’s lives as partners change their partners.

(1) people make the assumption that the feelings – sensations and trappings that we associate with ‘romance’ are synonymous with ‘love’. They’re not. Trace brain chemicals involuntarily produce the sensations of ‘Romance’. Unfortunately for ‘romance’ seekers, the flow of the specific ‘brain chemicals’ for a specific person – are not ‘till happily ever after’. They expire along with the ‘romance’.

(2) ever since the advent of the so-called ‘Romantic Ideal’ – circa 1200 AD – partners have been expected to possess – to own one another – their hearts – spirits – minds – but most especially – own each other’s bodies – their sensuality. Sensual activities – or even the thoughts of sensual activities - are prohibited with more than just one partner for an entire lifetime. You are ‘permitted’ to have sensual activities with Partners ‘serially’ - but not ‘simultaneously’. As most are aware – that the approach of ‘one and only for an entire lifetime’ doesn’t seem to be working very well these days.

So until we can change both assumptions – and institute different expected environments for intended long-term stable relationships – it’s likely we’ll have more relationships ending in the short-term – more broken families – more single parent headed households – more latch-key kids - more instability in peoples lives.

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